There I was. Sitting on my Pottery Barn beige sofa. Next to my amazing husband. In our big house. With a growing church and vibrant ministry. And a little two-year old boy running around. I had everything I ever dreamed of – but I was unsatisfied. I kept looking around at the walls around me thinking is this all there is, surely there is more to my life and the perfect dreams I had planned for so long.
We all have pictures of our lives in our minds, how they should be, how we hope they will be – how we picture them. We collect these pictures in powerful scrapbooks (or Pinterest) that exist only in our heads.
We plan it all out: when we will be married; how many kids we will have; where we will live; how much money we will make; what our jobs will be; how our homes will be decorated; how our husband will treat us; the places we will travel; who our friends will be; how our kids will behave; when we will retire; and what our ministries will be like.
At some point, we realize it doesn’t work that way. We can’t control the actual scrapbooks – the ones reflecting the past rather than the future. But we still long to try to control our lives and to build them to match the pictures of the lives we want.
And letting go, it is terrifying. The idea that we could actually hand it all over to God and say, “Do what you want with all that I have.”
What if God has planned any of these things below as part of our story?
Singleness, struggle, adoption, a difficult husband, infertility, moving from the town we love, disease, death, dangerous overseas missions, financial hardship?
It is the fight for control that has us all tied up, while it’s really an illusion anyway. We control because we are afraid of what may happen if we let go. Do we really think we are better captains of our lives than a God who sees everything and deeply loves us?
So we pursue our scrapbook dreams, distracted, too busy to see He is already with us and has our steps planned. The days and pictures and people He puts in our scrapbooks are seemingly chaotic but perfectly planned.
If we believe the Bible, we must believe that the heart of our unpredictable, sovereign God is good, that He sees us and is for us.
We seize more of God when He seizes us through our broken dreams. He calls the shots on what happens to us in our short time on this earth. He calls them, whether we want to let Him or not. Our faith must remain greater than our fears.
I never in a million years would have planned for my dad and brother to suffer from Huntington’s Disease; this die-hard Texas girl to move to south Florida; for this introvert-wanting-to-be-in-the-background-girl to be a Pastor’s Wife who leads Women’s Bible Studies; or for my children to come from a different mommy. But you know what, it is awesome.
I am begging you to let God write your story. Allow Him to tear out the pages you have planned in your head and let Him write chapters upon chapters. Sure, there will be pages you will want to skip over. Pages that stir up pain or fear inside your heart. Did I expect my brother to pass away before my 25th birthday, no. But by His kindness and mercy and grace, He allowed my brother to suffer no more. To enter eternity and be made whole.
When I handed over the pen and allowed God to write my story, a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. It was by His grace and love, I found freedom.
He is good, good Father. He wants to do an extraordinary work through you. You just have to be willing to hand over the pen and let Him write your story.